I have nothing to say...

Been keeping very busy lately. Summer vacation was very short if you could even call it a vacation to begin with. Working two jobs to save up money before I have to start paying off student loans, and I started school at the anthem institute (formerly known as chubb) about 3 weeks ago. It is going very well so far, and everyone there is easy to get along with. Two of my friends recommended I take the medical assistance program. Since things are going to be difficult on my family and I financially, I thought it would be a good idea to be a part of the program because it will give me a chance to have a better paying job within the next year and possibly be the beginning of a new career. I still have credits at Middlesex so after this is done and over with, and I can leave my two jobs in hopes of something higher paying and more promising, then I can continue going to school at Middlesex.

Been happy overall lately. If anything negative, slightly stressed over family issues that most people would be moderately to severely stressed over... I'm coming to find that most things aren't worth worrying about and I wish I could express that to those in which I love but, they don't fully understand when I try to express that we shouldn't worry over everything, or for some reason it makes sense to them on an individual level to be anxious and depressed rather than to let go. I hope someday that these people will become happy and worry-free for the most part and pull themselves up higher than what is making them ruin.

* Me and Kenny have new catchy song
* I am actually getting pretty decent at playing the guitar... almost have one song finished. The mood changes from happy to sad to mysterious... it's all over the place. Just need to polish it up and practice so the timing is precise and the flow of the transitions is precise so that the song will be unified once and for all.
* Me and Heather are joining roller derby. Words kant describe how excited I am to try something new...

Stuck in this hell hole but as long as I remain excited for getting better at things, it will be fine.

Going to NYC this week if I can get in touch with Matt... Definitely excited to roam around the city and enjoy the change of scenery.

Me and my sister are getting massages this week or next... excited to have a relaxing day with the only one in my family I seem to get along with...

My room is clean, the car's finally fixed, and this week I have lots of things to look forward to. As a result of this, I am a happy Sarah.

I often find myself the black sheep... even amongst the black sheep themselves. I feel awkward at school, home, work, around friends...etc. I feel like I'm always getting in the way, or saying something wrong. Not like it's some pathetic delusion but the truth. I wouldn't even know where to begin when it comes to that... just a thought that crosses my mind everyday. I feel alone. I can't make friends at school, my parents never have anything positive to say, I don't know how to help my friends that are having their own problems. I just feel singled out... things are NOT going well with the band. I feel hurt because I haven't been called for the last few band practices... I just don't know what I want and what will make me happy right now, then to stay in my bed. However, I don't see myself as one to sabotage things, at least not anymore. I just hurt deeply right now... the permanent disability of not being able to interact with the world around me the way that I want to. I'm going back to the doctors this month... my mind is fucked. I have distorted perceptions about the world around me... that go back and forth. It only takes small trigger that allows me to think, and analyze, and analyze again... Until I sink into a deep depression. I feel like the world is fucked... I feel like I'm fucked. I feel as we get older our compassion towards one another starts to slip away... I make simple observations everyday that lead me to feel so hurt and alone inside. I don't know what to do anymore... it just hurts....

milkwillkillyou1: oh my god theres another one of us out there!
milkwillkillyou1: i found it
MilkWillKillYou2: what the fuck does 1 mean?
milkwillkillyou1: i believe it is a letter of the alphabet
MilkWillKillYou2: god, you're so not one of myself
milkwillkillyou1: i beg to differ
milkwillkillyou1: i think we should stick together
milkwillkillyou1: and reproduce so that our species wont go extinct
MilkWillKillYou2: no i already know the alphabet... "xqr7h93..."
milkwillkillyou1: I thought the alphabet was something like this
milkwillkillyou1: *&^%
MilkWillKillYou2: nah, that's the face of math's past
milkwillkillyou1: >
milkwillkillyou1: ahhh alligator
milkwillkillyou1: trying to eat me
milkwillkillyou1: .
milkwillkillyou1: >
milkwillkillyou1: >
milkwillkillyou1: >
milkwillkillyou1: help me kill him!
milkwillkillyou1: its for antimilk-kind
MilkWillKillYou2: fuck your kind
milkwillkillyou1: my kind is the same kind as yours hypocrite
milkwillkillyou1: :'(
milkwillkillyou1: cries
milkwillkillyou1: i feel so
milkwillkillyou1: so
milkwillkillyou1: SO
milkwillkillyou1: ALONE
milkwillkillyou1: *bawls*
milkwillkillyou1: milk tried to assassinate me in my sleep last night
milkwillkillyou1: i just picked up a knife and stabbed it however
milkwillkillyou1: you're not the only one
milkwillkillyou1: i think we should conspire its
milkwillkillyou1: death
MilkWillKillYou2: hey, don't cry on me, listen... If you were my kind, i'd have to hang myself before people find out that people of my kind can suck so fuckin much!
MilkWillKillYou2: now cry
milkwillkillyou1: but we have to make sure nobody finds out... i think that you can go to prison for conspiring murder against milk... it's considered animal cruelty
milkwillkillyou1: i just think that the world would be a better place without milk
milkwillkillyou1: or cheese
milkwillkillyou1: or yogurt
milkwillkillyou1: what kind of name is yogurt anyway?
MilkWillKillYou2: you're considered a cruelty for a face!
milkwillkillyou1: :-!
MilkWillKillYou2: there you go
milkwillkillyou1: theres my picture
milkwillkillyou1: what?... you don't like?



MEANWHILE...


MilkWillKillYou2 [11:33 P.M.]: come on number '1' wake up over here
Zomboclownkiller [11:33 P.M.]: lolz
Zomboclownkiller [11:33 P.M.]: u caught me
Zomboclownkiller [11:34 P.M.]: product of boredum
MilkWillKillYou2 [11:34 P.M.]: yeah you really had me good there for a second
Zomboclownkiller [11:34 P.M.]: yea well next time it will be number 3

Watching Kenny and Bobby resolve an argument makes me feel like I've missed out on a certain amount of human interaction all of my life...

So happy...

Christmas shopping finally almost done... I'm so glad. I kant wait for these stupid holidays to be over. I can't wait to go back to school also. Been trying to keep busy by hanging out with my friends and such but I think I just miss the school atmosphere already. I haven't been able to look up my grades online... either something wrong with the page or my computer won't allow me to access them, therefore I am waiting in anticipation to see whether I passed all of my classes or not. I think I will be fine but then again this is only my first semester at college and I'm not sure how the grading works... I know my reading class is a cumulative grade so I am assuming thats how my other classes work as well. I also have to check to see if my financial aid for next semester was cleared. If not that means I will have to change my schedule around becuz the classes have not been paid for. Grrr lotta hoping... will have to get down to the library sometime this weekend or next week.

Everything else is fine. Band stuff has been at a stand still. Was mad at Kenny cuz he played a show without me but things are better again... forgive and forget. The two things I am good at. Some people take advantage of that however. lolz. I'm sure it won't happen again though.

I'm starting to really like Bobby. He's been a great friend the past few months and we really communicate well and share a lot in common... and he really cares about the people around him and even more importantly his friends. I really admire that. His patience for other people and the problems that they face has really set a good example for me and reminded me how being patient with someone and just being there for them will mean the world to them... it has helped me make things right with a certain friend who i got frustrated with from time to time... Now I'm trying to be less selfish and make more time for them and put the effort back into helping them.

He inspires me to find the true beauty and meaning in life's small things. I admire that he's a real person with emotional depth, and knowledge about so many things, and creativity, not overwhelmed with life's drama and materialism. That's just amazing to be around a person like that, and for a dead person like me, it makes me feel alive again... And to have a friend that doesn't give up on you, that will ask questions when they know that something is wrong and just be there when they know that you're ill or having a rough day, it makes me not want to give up on people like I did in the past. It brings my optimism about mankind back to life... It makes me want to give back... So few people actually give a shit nowadays.

I've been sick for a month... it sucks really bad. Another reason why I havent been able to practice so much lately. Even Kenny noticed I didn't sound good when we practiced last. My pitch was off and couldn't hold out a note for the life of me... and I wound up blowing my voice afterward. It's annoying. I love to sing and I don't have a better outlet to let out my joy or sadness than that... I hope I get better. I hope it finally goes away once and for all.

That's all really... Everything else remains the same.

Sound is coming together... And I think we are finally free of the recording issue... for now anyway.

Me and kenny were reminiscing about our days in dark asylum (before we found out someone already had that name) and I hummed him the tunes of some of the old full songs we had in previous projects, but kenny couldn't remember the riffs that went along with the melodies. We remembered that we used to record songs at his mom's house with the cakewalk program. Eager to remember the old songs that we had, we went over there to listen. Unfortunately what we found were not our old full songs... Altho we did find some amazing riffs Kenny forgot how to play. Really blew me away and brought back memories... They just sounded so beautiful. Anyways, he forgot the program was still on his mom's computer so that means we can probably get some basic recordings in the meantime. After failed attempts and all this stress over recording, we had a solution to our problem right in front of us. It's a shame that all of our old songs went to waste and I'm scared of that happening with this latest project... so it is important that we get a recording. To mark our progress...

A demo from aarius we should have sometime in late december if not early january. I'll put 150$ if everyone else can chip in some cash as well... And provided we have our songs solid. They've changed so much since we first had them... things are flowing together and improving. More experimental now which is great... We have a new song and I think a few more in the process... The new riff kenny came up with I'm in love with... it's very fitting with the lyrics and I think we might do it the second time around in half time... which will give it more depth. The vocals are going to be experimental on this track switching back and forth from a high octave to a low octave. I found it is easier to tap your foot to the tempo of a song to prevent getting thrown off in your head lolz. Slowly but surely...

We practiced with a few other musicians not too longago. It wouldn't have worked... It's hard finding fitting dedicated members. Alfred is pulling through I think and hopefully the same for vito and pranav. We just need to have more practices with them as well so we have a full sound. Levels are going to be the hardest part... And so far they have been. Whenever we have a practice with Alfred or anyone else who has drummed for us, the guitars are overpowered and the vocals sound like crap because u can barely hear them. Unfortunately we don't have uber expensive equipment to equalize everything so that cud be a problem playing shows... unless it is starland or something. PA systems are about the only thing that they include. This is another reason full band practices MUST be scheduled at Aarius. lolz.

I'm glad me and Kenny have been equally driven about this recently. It's helping to keep things together. And hopefully the band won't fall apart before we play shows... even if it does like the last two times, I'm sure it is nothing we can't overcome.

I'm hard to remember... impossible to forget. lmao. Stole that line out of a movie.

Hey there little broken toy
A rag doll just like me
The world will not impair your sight
And soon you will be free

Hey there little rag doll boy
Where's the seamstress now?
She sewed you together with love and joy
But you've fallen apart somehow

Hey there little rag doll boy
Life feels as if it's cursed
But blessed you are, my little star
For this could be far worse


Walking through wind and spit and rain
They all have not a clue
Trapped inside circles of pain
But they don't see things quite like you do

Don't lose your perception
Like wolves they all can tear your skin
With their evil misconceptions
Just unleash your spirit from within


Hey there little broken toy
A rag doll just like me
Stick it out just like before
In peace your heart will be